Irish is the New Black
by Casper1990
Summary: Hyde finds out his real dad isn't Black; he's Irish! So the gang minus Eric decide to go visit him in Belfast during the Troubles!
1. Prologue

Irish is the new Black

**AN: **I think it's about time I introduced you all to the wonders of my beautiful little city in the most… _lively_ decade in its history. What I'm planning on doing is devoting one chapter to each character's experience in Belfast and put a comical spin on what was an incredibly awful time to live here.

So hopefully you'll get a laugh out of reading this and it won't scare you off ever coming to Ireland. :P

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**1979**

**POINT PLACE**

**FORMAN KITCHEN**

KITTY: Steven, we need to talk to you about something pretty important.

HYDE: Look, whatever you found in my room was planted there.

KITTY: No, we..

RED: What's in your room?

KITTY: Red, stay focused.

HYDE: Yeah, stay focused.

RED: All right, Steven, just for the record, I told her to mind her own business, and then she said: "Fine, you can make your own dinner." So.. ha ha.. here we are.

KITTY: No. Steven, we found out that the man you think is your father... isn't really your father.

HYDE: What?

KITTY: Your real father's name is Cia-... Che-... Red! How do I say this name?

RED: Oh, God. It's Ciaran, Kitty. Like, Keer-an.

KITTY: Right. _Keer_-an Lavery, and he lives in Ireland!

JACKIE: Oh, my god! Steven, this is awful! You can't be Irish! Irish people are poor and they all live on farms! _(gasps)_ I hear they don't even have _malls_!

KITTY: Look, Steven, I know you have a lot of feelings and emotions, and maybe you want to cry. We won't tell if you cry.

RED: I'll tell.

JACKIE: Yeah, I don't like guys that cry.

KITTY: Will you two please? Steven? Are you okay?

HYDE: Well, I.. don't really know the guy who's supposed to be my dad, and obviously, I don't know this new guy, so I don't really care.

JACKIE: Oh, but, Steven, you have to care! What if your new dad is something gross like the guy who delivers the manure... or the town drunk? _(they leave)_

KITTY: That didn't go well.

RED: What did you think would happen?

KITTY: Well, I thought he would be happy to hear about his dad, we'd all go to Ireland, and then his quirky new father would be so thrilled to see him, he'd buy me a lifetime supply of Bushmills!

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**FORMAN BASEMENT**

_(Eric, Donna and Fez sit on the couch; Kelso is in the lawn chair; Jackie and Hyde are coming down the stairs from the kitchen)_

HYDE: Jackie, just shut up, alright? I don't want to talk about this.

DONNA: Talk about what?

HYDE: Nothing. _(Hyde sits in his chair)_

JACKIE: Steven's Irish!

HYDE: Jackie!

KELSO: Wow! Really? Does that mean you have one of those cool magic sticks?

DONNA: You mean a shillelagh?

HYDE: A shi-what?

JACKIE: You see! _(She sits down on Hyde's lap)_ They're already confusing us! Ugh. Why can't those people say anything properly?

HYDE: Look, I'm not Irish, alright? I couldn't even tell you where Ireland is on the map.

KELSO: Oh, Hyde, it's right next to Australia!

DONNA: Kelso, you are so far off.

JACKIE: I know! Everybody knows Ireland is in Mexico.

DONNA: It is not in Mexico!

JACKIES: It's not?

DONNA: No! It's... uh... it's ah... _(everyone stares) _Oh, go look it up in the atlas!

_(Kitty comes down the stairs)_

KITTY: Oh, Steven, you must be full of questions about your father-

HYDE: Actually, I couldn't care less. _(He nudges Jackie off him so he can get up)_ He could live in Milwaukee and I still wouldn't want to meet him.

KITTY: Oh, but Ireland's such a beautiful country! The scenery, the history, the _accent_! It's all so romantic!

DONNA: Maybe in the 1500s. But now, Northern Ireland is full of crime and war. Nearly 2000 civilians have been killed in this decade alone because of the violence.

HYDE: How do you know that?

DONNA: Well, while you guys are off chasing cows with bottlerockets, I'm doing this crazy thing called _watching the news_.

JACKIE: God, who'd want to fight with them? No-one even knows where they are!

DONNA: They're not fighting with other countries. They're fighting with themselves. The Irish Nationalists want freedom from Irish Loyalists and British oppression so they can form their own government and be in control of their own land.

HYDE: Hang on. They're fighting to overthrow government control?

DONNA: Yeah. _(She smiles)_ Hey, Hyde, maybe you do have some Irish roots after all.

JACKIE: No, no! He doesn't! So he hates the government as much as they do. That doesn't mean anything. Irish people are pale!

HYDE: I'm pale.

JACKIE: They're poor!

HYDE: I'm poor.

JACKIE: They live on _potatoes_!

KITTY: Steven does love his mashed potatoes.

JACKIE: Oh my God. _(She looks at Hyde, alarmed)_ You're Irish. And I love you, so that means I love Ireland as well! _(She sits, stunned)_ I love foreigners.

FEZ: Well-

DONNA AND HYDE: Fez!

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**DONNA'S ROOM**

_(Donna is reading on her bed and Jackie is on her cot, filing away at her nails)_

JACKIE: It's not like I have a problem with it or anything. I guess it's better than suddenly finding out he's half-black or something.

DONNA: Jackie, it's not that big a deal. So his dad lives in another country. At least Hyde knows where he is. _Eric_ could be shining shoes in Ecuador for all I know.

JACKIE: He'll turn up, Donna. It's windy outside so he'll probably blow in through the window any second now.

DONNA: I just can't believe he'd leave like that.

JACKIE: You mean the way you were about to?

DONNA: Jackie!

JACKIE: Hey, I'm not judging you! _(She stands up)_ Don't forget, I know what it's like to have your fiancee run out on you without an explanation.

DONNA: No offence, but it's not really the same thing. You and Kelso were on and off more times than a pair of pants.

JACKIE: Oh, and what? You and Eric are the poster child for stability?

DONNA: Do you want a neck cast like Hyde?

JACKIE: I'm just saying... _(She sits on the edge of the bed)_ if Eric comes back, the two of you will work it out.

DONNA: What makes you so sure?

JACKIE: Because you two are _perfect_ for each other, Donna! Eric can't do any better and you'll never find anyone else you can emasculate as much as you do him. _(Donna smiles)_ Now, come on or we'll be late for dinner with the Formans.

DONNA: _(frowning)_ Why can't we have dinner here?

JACKIE: Because I heard your dad ask our moms if they wanted to be peatnutbutter and jelly and if he could be the stuff in between – and they said yes.

DONNA: Let's go.

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**FORMAN KITCHEN**

RED: You know, there's nothing more special than sitting down for dinner with your wife and children. But instead of my children, I have 5 idiots eating my food.

FEZ: Well I sometimes do your daughter, Mr. Red. That makes me family.

HYDE: To be fair, Fez, that would make every man in town and in Canada part of Red's family too.

KITTY: Steven...

HYDE: Because we're all part of God's family.

KITTY: Good boy. Now, speaking of families-

HYDE: No.

KITTY: I was going to talk about Eric, Steven.

HYDE: Oh. Sorry.

KITTY: That's alright. Now, talking about families, are you going to meet your father or not, Steven?

RED: Kitty!

HYDE: Mr. Forman, it's alright. Actually, I think I will go see him.

JACKIE: What?!

KITTY: Oh, yay! _(claps excitedly)_

JACKIE: Steven, how can you go and meet this guy when you don't know a thing about him?

HYDE: So you'd rather I track down Bud? Look, I'm not looking to play golf with the guy or anything. I just want to go see if he's fighting the good fight like I am. That's all.

KITTY: Well, I think it's wonderful that you want to go and meet him, Steven. And we'll come with you so you don't get trapped by some woman who's had 12 babies and says one of them is yours.

HYDE: Uh, thanks.

KELSO: Oh, awesome! Road trip to Ireland! Hey, Fez, we can go visit the breweries while Hyde's with his dad.

RED: Oh, no. There's no way in hell you dumbasses are tagging along. You'll end up getting us all blown up.

HYDE: Red, trust me. If you leave Kelso and Fez alone here, there's a good chance they'll blow themselves up anyway.

FEZ: Then we are coming with you! Oh, this is so exciting! I bet they have millions of whores in Ireland!

DONNA: I don't know, Fez. Pre-marital sex is pretty much frowned upon over there.

FEZ: Not a problem. I have already married one whore for sex. I can marry another one.

RED: _(to Kitty)_ He's going to give me another heart attack before we're even on the plane.

_(Everyone begins to leave, rambling about what they can do once they get to Ireland. Jackie and Hyde are left in the kitchen.)_

JACKIE: I just want to go on record as saying I think this is a bad idea.

HYDE: For God's sake, Jackie, just give it a rest alright! I don't give a crap that he's foreign.

JACKIE: Neither do I, but I do give a crap about you getting hurt again. _(Hyde rolls his eyes)_ Hey, the last time you tried to bond with your dad, you thought everything was great and then he bailed on you without a word. I don't want that to happen again.

HYDE: _(after a pause)_ If I take you shopping for clothes for the trip, will it shut you up?

JACKIE: _(tearing up)_ Oh, I love you, orphan boy! _(She throws her arms around him)_

_----------_

**AN: **Well there's the prologue for you. What do you think? Should I continue with this or are you guys not interested in my culture:P Review and let me know. :D Please!


	2. Céad míle fáilte

Irish is the new Black

Chapter 1 - Céad míle fáilte

**AN: **Wow, I didn't expect such a positive response! Thank you to everyone who reviewed and already have this story on their alert list. It's good for the ego. :D My only problem with this chapter was writing the way Belfast people sound. So some things look like complete gibberish, but that's just the way some of us sound. :P

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**FORMAN DRIVEWAY**

_(Red is loading luggage into the car while Jackie, Hyde, Donna, Fez and Kelso stand by the glass door)_

KELSO: I can't believe we're going to Ireland. Hey, do you think we'll get to see a leprechaun?

JACKIE: Well, if we do, I'm taking its gold. A person who wears all green and thinks they can get away with it is the wrong person to be giving out luck.

DONNA: So, Hyde. Where exactly does your dad live?

HYDE: I don't know. His last known address is in Belfast so I figure someone there must know where he is. I mean, it's an island. Everyone probably knows each other.

DONNA: It's an island with 4 million people! I can't believe you expect to find him in the first bar you stumble into.

FEZ: Oh, Donna. Relax. There are millions of people in my country and you can always find who you're looking for. Of course, you have to dance with a lizard first.

_(Kitty comes running out)_

KITTY: Red! I just remembered about Eric! What if he comes home while we're away? He won't know where we are!

RED: Don't worry, Kitty. If Eric comes home, Bob will kill him before he has a chance to wonder where we are. _(to the group)_ Now, come on or we'll be late!_ (He and Kitty get into the car)_

HYDE: Well, I figure Jackie rides with me and you three _(points to Donna, Kelso and Fez) _can ride with Red.

FEZ: But I wanted to play card games and braid Jackie's hair!

KELSO: That's alright, buddy. You can braid my hair instead.

FEZ:_ (smiles)_ Your hair _is_ more manageable. _(He and Kelso climb into the back ahead of Donna)_

DONNA: Great. I'm in the backseat with Scooby and Shaggy. _(She gets in and the car drives off, leaving Jackie and Hyde in the driveway with the El Camino)_

JACKIE: Steven, I just want you to know that despite what I've said, I really hope you and your dad get along.

HYDE: Thanks.

JACKIE: But if you don't, then I'll do that thing that you've always wanted me to do. _(Hyde grins)_

HYDE: Oh yeah? _(He looks around and then back at Jackie) _How long until our flight? _(Jackie checks her watch)_

JACKIE: About 2 hours. Why?

HYDE: _(takes her hand)_ Mrs. Forman bought a new kitchen table last week and I think we should make sure it's sturdy._ (Jackie smiles)_

JACKIE: Well… Eric and Donna did try out the last one.

HYDE: And I'm sure we can do much better than their 30 second check…

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**NEAREST INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT (WHEREVER THAT IS)**

RED: Where the hell are those two?! Our plane's supposed to leave in 20 minutes!

DONNA: I'm sure they're just stuck in traffic.

KELSO: _(laughs)_ Yeah. _Traffic_. Jackie and I used to get stuck in _traffic_ all the time when we were going out. Seemed like we were always in _traffic_. At least 3 times a week, we were in _traff_-

DONNA: Kelso! We get it!

KITTY: Oh! Here they are now!

RED: What the hell kept you two?!

HYDE: We… took a wrong turn. Ended up on the wrong road.

KITTY: Oh, Red and I have used that line before. _(giggles)_ Remember our wedding reception, Red? By the time we got to the hotel, the cake was gone, the band had finished and the bridesmaid was pregnant!

RED: She wasn't pregnant, Kitty. She told us she and her husband were trying to _get_ pregnant.

KITTY: Say what you want, but 20 minutes after we got there, she was throwing up in the bathroom.

FEZ: Oh, and now I am going to be sick! I _hate_ flying!

HYDE: And you didn't think to bring this up before you agreed to come?

DONNA: Can we deal with all this later, please? They're calling us for boarding.

KITTY: Okay, everybody make sure they have their tickets and passports in their hands, and a piece of gum for the plane so your ears don't pop.

FEZ: Um, Miss Kitty…

KITTY: I brought an extra packet in case you already ate yours, Fez. _(They pass through the boarding point and head out towards the plane) _Now, let's go to Ireland! _(a beat)_ Anyone know where that is yet?

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**ALDERGROVE VILLAGE**

**BELFAST INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT**

_(The group is walking through the terminal in silence)_

KITTY: That was… bracing.

DONNA: Yeah. We were the only ones on the plane, and since none of us could understand the pilot's accent, we didn't know that we were headed into a storm in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean!

KITTY: Well, I've always wanted to see the Atlantic Ocean. Not that close up, mind you.

KELSO: It was scary. My whole life flashed before my eyes… and most of it was doing it with Jackie. _(Hyde smacks him in the stomach with his duffel bag)_ Ow! _(Laughs)_ Man, you're so predictable, Hyde.

HYDE: You're right. _(Sticks his foot out and Kelso trips, falling face first onto the ground)_

KELSO: Now, that's better.

JACKIE: Where's the car? I really don't feel like lugging my suitcases around some strange city.

RED: I'm not paying for a car. We can just get a couple of cabs to the hotel and take the bus tomorrow.

JACKIE: Uh, I am _not_ taking a bus! Only foreigners take buses!

DONNA: Well, technically _we're_ the foreigners now.

JACKIE: This trip sucks already.

_(As they're approaching the exit to the terminal, four Special Branch Police Officers block their path)_

OFFICER #1: Excuse us, ladies and gentlemen. We just need to see your identification and ask you a few questions.

RED: What the hell are you talking about?

OFFICER #1: If you could each fill in these cards, we'd appreciate it.

_(Each of them is handed a card asking for their name, address, reason for coming to Northern Ireland, and how long they plan on staying)_

RED: _(scanning the questions)_ What business is that of yours?!

OFFICER #1: Just fill in the cards. We won't let you leave the airport otherwise.

KELSO: Okay, let me handle this. I am a trainee police officer and I think I know how to deal with these guys. _(He pushes through to the group of officers)_ This is a $10 bill.

DONNA: Oh, God.

KELSO: Now, I'm sure you fellas have never seen this much money in one place, so I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock.

OFFICER #2: Actually, _(he takes the $10 bill)_ this isn't even worth a fuckin fiver, so why don't you just piss off to the back of the line until we're through with thesins.

FEZ: _(whispering to Jackie)_ What's a thesin?

JACKIE: _(whispering back) _It's a girl who only likes other girls.

KITTY: Excuse me, but I don't think there's any need for that kind of language. We're simply here to soak up the culture and to-

OFFICER #1: Put it on the cards! _(Kitty jumps)_

JACKIE: You're really touchy about those cards. What is it? Paper fetish? _(Hyde grabs Jackie and pulls her away from the officers)_

RED: Let's just get it over with! _(He nudges the group to a row of chairs against the wall where they all sit down and begin filling in their details)_

DONNA: You know; it's sad that this sort of thing is necessary here to stop terrorists from getting through. It makes you feel lucky that we live in such a dull little town.

HYDE: Yeah, but you all can just say you're here on vacation. What can I write? "Trying to track down biological father after my whore of a mom lied to me all my life and led me to believe my dad was a drunk who ran out on me?"

JACKIE: See, Steven, this is exactly why you should always lie! Like, I've written down, "I'm here to bring peace to the natives and to unite a divided civilisation." When really I'm just here for the room service.

_(Away from the group, the Special Branch team are waiting for them to finish up)_

OFFICER #2: Jesus Christ. They don't half take long, do they?

OFFICER #1: Well, what can you expect? None of them look the lift goes to the top floor. Especially that one with the wee shillelagh on his t-shirt. And he's a bloody policeman! _(They laugh)_ They're gonna have some fuckin fun gettin' around Belfast. _(looks behind him to the two other officers)_ Youzins near done checkin their passports?

OFFICER #3: Oiye, they're fine.

_(Back at the group)_

KITTY: Okay. Everyone's filled in their card. _(squints at Fez's) _I just hope they can read your name. _(laughs and walks over to the officers)_ Here you go. All done.

OFFICER #1: That's great. We'll be with you in a minute. _(They leave)_

JACKIE: God, How much longer is this gonna take?! This dad of yours better be _really_ worth it, Steven.

_(A few minutes pass and the officers finally return)_

OFFICER #1: Okay, you four _(points to Red, Donna, Fez and Jackie_) are free to go on through to get your luggage. But I need you three _(points to Hyde, Kelso and Kitty)_ to come in here for a few more questions.

RED: WHAT?!

DONNA: What the hell?!

KITTY: _FEZ_ got through, and not me?!! He can't even spell his own name!

OFFICER #1: This won't take long. We just need to check a few things.

KITTY: But-

HYDE: Relax, Mrs Forman. I've been through this before. They probably just want to check our carry-on bags.

CUT TO INTERROGATION ROOM 1

OFFICER #1: You put down on your card that you don't wanna to say what brings you here. Why's that?

HYDE: Well, it's a long story.

OFFICER #1: I like long stories.

CUT TO INTERROGATION ROOM 2

OFFICER #2: So, you're trainin' to be a peeler?

KELSO: A what-er?

OFFICER #2: Sorry, a policeman. I sometimes forget myself when I'm dealing with foreigners.

KELSO: Oh, man, I know exactly what you mean. My little friend is a foreigner and we've tried so many times to explain Halloween to him. But he just doesn't get it.

OFFICER #2: That's… great. So you put down on your card that you don't know how long you intend to stay in Northern Ireland.

KELSO: Yeah.

OFFICER #2: But the rest of your mates said they were only staying until the end of the week.

KELSO: Well… I'm not sure I wanna stay that long. You see, I'm having a baby and I don't want to leave the mom by herself too long. The last time I went away for a while, my best friend stole my girlfriend.

OFFICER #2: Shit one.

KELSO: Yeah. But it was cool. I mean, I did shoot him.

CUT TO INTERROGATION ROOM 3

OFFICER #3: So-

KITTY: I LOVE Ireland, you know. I think you're all so… so rebellious! And, _you!_ Honey, I could just eat you right up! Not that I'm a big eater or anything. Although I do enjoy the occasional _Irish stew_ _(laughs)_.

CUT TO INTERROGATION ROOM 1

OFFICER #1: So your best friend ran out on his wedding and his fiancée pushed you off a water tower, causin' you to end up in hospital and your ma to find out that you have a different da, and you're here to find your da because the man you thought _was_ your da ran out on you with your real ma without a word?

HYDE: Yeah.

OFFICER #1: _(muttering)_ Only in America.

HYDE: What?

OFFICER #1: Nothing. Excuse me. _(He goes out of the room)_

CUT TO INTERROGATION ROOM 2

OFFICER #2: With a _BB gun?_ Oh, you mean one of those plastic guns for wee kids?

KELSO: I think adults can appreciate them more.

_(The officer turns and leaves the room, shaking his head)_

CUT TO INTERROGATION ROOM 3

KITTY: …and even though Red makes a big fuss every time I bring tea into the house, I'm positive I can get him to change his mind because of all the tea cottages in Ireland. By the time we leave, he'll be in a _tea_-lightful mood! _(laughs)_

_(The officer leaves the room without a word and meets the other two in the hall)_

OFFICER #1: How's the owl' woman?

OFFICER #3: I've interrogated some of the biggest bastards in the IRA, but I've never come as close to pulling my gun as I was just now.

OFFICER #2: _(laughing)_ Yeah… mine's not the full shillin' either.

OFFICER #1: The guy with the glasses is just a walking soap opera, but I think they're all harmless. But, here, _(to Officer #3)_ why'd you bring in that wee woman? There was nothing suspicious on her card.

OFFICER #3: Well, I thought she was being racist. Turns out she uses "hunnie" as a term of endearment.

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**OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT**

KITTY: I'm glad that's over with. I thought they were going to try and sell me into some sort of sex ring!

RED: Oh, no-one would ever sell _you_ into a sex ring, Kitty.

_(a beat)_

KITTY: And why's that?

FEZ: Don't listen to him, Miss Kitty. You can show me a good time any day of the week.

DONNA: Can we not, please? It's already way past midnight and I don't want to have dreams of Fez's weird sex fantasies.

JACKIE: Wait. It's after midnight? But we left Wisconsin at noon and it was a 5 hour flight.

DONNA: Yeah, but Ireland is 5 hour-

KELSO: Donna, I think I can explain this better than you can.

DONNA: Oh. Well, then by all means explain it to us simple folk.

KELSO: I'll be happy to. The plane we were on was a time machine.

HYDE: Man, the day your kid is born, poodles will rule the world.

JACKIE: Hey, the bus is here!

RED: That's not a bus. It looks like an old fort we blew up in Korea.

JACKIE: As long as it gets us to the hotel and me into a hot bath, I don't care.

_(The group one by one make their way onto the bus and squeeze into whatever seats aren't completely dilapidated. Donna, Red and Kitty sit down near the front of the bus, Jackie and Hyde take a seat in the middle, and Fez and Kelso claim the back seats)_

BUS DRIVER: Where to?

RED: The Europa Hotel, please. _(The bus driver laughs)_ What?

BUS DRIVER: Nothin. I just hope you aren't carrying anything too valuable with you.

DONNA: Why?

BUS DRIVER: 'Cuz the Europa Hotel is the most bombed hotel in Europe.

KITTY: WHAT?!

BUS DRIVER: _(laughing)_ They've had to rebuild it twice already.

JACKIE: Oh, God. I'm gonna die here and it's all Donna's fault.

DONNA: How's it my fault?

JACKIE: Well, if you hadn't pushed Steven off the water tower, Mrs Forman never would have read his medical file and found out he had a different dad.

DONNA: Well if Eric hadn't left me, I never would have been on the water tower in the first place!

HYDE: Would you two shut up? We'll just go to another hotel. St. Patrick! What hotel can we stay at that is only the second or third most bombed in the continent?

BUS DRIVER: Ah… the Hilton's the only other one you'll get a decent meal in, but your best bet is going to a B&B. The Hilton's pretty dear.

RED: Just take us to the Europa.

KITTY: Red!

RED: Relax, Kitty. We're only going to be there for a few hours and then we'll be out again. I'm sure all the bombers have to be in bed early anyway.

KITTY: Red Forman, you are taking me to the hotel Hitler would have been of, and you expect me to relax?! _(Red sighs)_

RED: How about, after we get checked in, we go to the hotel's bar and have a few drinks? Would that be alright?

KITTY: Well… I suppose if you're gonna get blown up, you're going to be kissing the floor anyway. _(laughs)_

JACKIE: Steven, it's going to take more than alcohol to make me feel relaxed in this hotel.

STEVEN: Don't worry. _(He pats his pocket) _I've got just the thing to loosen you up.

KELSO: Alright! Party in Jackie and Hyde's room!

HYDE: _(craning his neck)_ Yeah. And it's a private party so you two can go get your nails done or something.

KELSO: But I don't want to spend the night with just Fez!

FEZ: Oh, I see. The thrill is gone, so now you just use my services when it suits you. _(whimpers)_ What else can I do to make you love me?

HYDE: _(whispering in Jackie's ear)_ Promise me something.

JACKIE: What?

HYDE: If they're still doing this by New Year's, we'll get them some couples counselling.

JACKIE: I already have the shrink's number.

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**AN: **So they're finally in Belfast! The next chapter will be a bit more adventurous as it will focus mainly on Kelso and Fez's experience in Belfast. In the meantime, I'd love you if you left me a review and told me what you thought of this. :)


	3. Four bombs and a streaker

Irish is the new Black

Chapter 2 – Four bombs and a streaker.

**AN: **Thank you all for the support you've shown this story. I hope you enjoy this chapter because Jackie and Hyde take centre stage and some events are based on when my parents were dating in Belfast in the late 70s/early 80s. This was _supposed_ to be Kelso and Fez's chapter, but I just really wanted to have some fun with JH early on.

Btw, RUC is what the Northern Ireland police used to be called.

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**EUROPA HOTEL**

**GREAT VICTORIA STREET**

_(The tired group file out of the bus and make their way into the hotel lobby)_

DONNA: After we get checked in, I think we should all go straight to bed because we've a busy day tomorrow.

JACKIE: Busy? Look, I plan on taking a long sleep, an even longer bath, and then I'm staying in my room and ordering room service for the rest of the trip.

RED: I'm okay with that. The less yapping from you, the fewer heart attacks I'll have. _(RED walks over to the reception desk with KITTY)_

HYDE: Donna, if we're gonna have fun on this trip, we're going to have to spend as little time together as possible.

KELSO: Yeah, don't forget what happened when we went to Jackie's ski cabin.

JACKIE: Which time? After you kissed Pam Macey or when I caught you sneaking up with Fez and Steven?

HYDE: _(to DONNA)_ You see? As little time as possible.

_(RED and KITTY come back with the keys)_

KITTY: Here we go. Red and I are in one room, Jackie and Steven, you're in another _(hands HYDE the key)_, and Donna, Michael and Fez, you're in the other.

KELSO: Alright!

DONNA: What the hell?! I have to share with these two morons?

JACKIE: Oh, calm down, Donna. You don't see us complaining.

DONNA: That's because you're just gonna have sex the whole time.

JACKIE: We are not!

HYDE: We're not?

JACKIE: Well, we'll have to go to the bathroom at some point.

KITTY: Now, now. That's enough squabbling. All of you just go up to your rooms and meet us back here for breakfast at 9am.

JACKIE: So… what time is it now?

KITTY: Hmm, I'll need a minute to work this out. _(She grabs a pen from her purse along with a notepad and begins working out the time) _Let's see; we left Wisconsin at noon, it was a 5 hour flight, so we arrived here at 5pm Wisconsin time, then we were held up by the police for over 2 hours and it took 40 minutes to drive from the airport. Factor in the time difference and that puts us at just before 1am! _(Smiles, pleased with herself)_

HYDE: We could've just looked at the clock on the wall behind you.

KITTY: _(looking around, embarrassed) _If you want do it the lazy way…

---------

**JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOTEL ROOM**

_(Their bags are scattered across the floor and JACKIE is talking to HYDE from the en suite while he lies on the bed, eyes closed and his sunglasses on the nightstand.)_

JACKIE: …and I know I haven't been the most open-minded about Ireland…

HYDE: You mean when you said that their obsession with wearing tweed was what drove the crops to fail and start a famine that killed thousands of people?

JACKIE: Well look at all the people suffering from diseases in the world! _(She comes out of the en suite in a bath robe with her hair in a towel)_ Maybe if they had worn quality fabrics, their bodies wouldn't have given in so easily.

HYDE: Jackie, you know you can't walk around this city saying things like that to people. The police here aren't like the ones in Point Place. These guys actually carry guns. _(JACKIE rolls her eyes and walks across the room)_ And by the way, you were only in there for 5 minutes. When did you have time to take a bath and wash your hair?

JACKIE: _(She sits in front of a mirror and starts doing something with her hair)_ It's called time management, Steven. Once, I was able to read an entire book for English class in the time it took for you to get through one of your rants about President Ford.

HYDE: Oh, he is such a-

JACKIE: Person you will not speak of until I have gotten some sleep! It has been a long day, it's late, and I am planning on hitting a lot of stores tomorrow. So I need to conserve my energy.

HYDE: But it's only 9pm our time. You can't be tired yet.

JACKIE: I suppose I do feel pretty awake. What do you want to do for a couple of hours? _(HYDE turns his head and grins)_ Oh, my God. _(She laughs)_ We _just _did it before we got on the plane. And! I let you feel me up on the bus on the way here.

HYDE: Yeah, but then Fez started yelling, "My turn! My turn!" and I had to spend the rest of the drive slapping his hand away.

JACKIE: But Fez didn't try to touch me.

HYDE: I know.

JACKIE: Ew! God, Just imagine what he's doing in his room with Michael.

HYDE: Probably imagining what we're about to do in this room.

JACKIE: You pig…

----------

**THE NEXT MORNING**

**DONEGALL SQUARE**

**BELFAST CITY HALL**

_JACKIE and HYDE are standing at the front of City Hall. HYDE is looking around at the thin crowd with disinterest while JACKIE reads a tourist book)_

JACKIE: I'm trying to figure out where the nearest mall is, but I can't find any listed here.

HYDE: Whatever. I thought the point of today was to find out where _my dad_ was.

JACKIE: We can do that _later_, Steven. But first, I have to get you a suit for when you meet him.

HYDE: _(Blinks)_ Are you insane? Let me remind you that I don't wear suits, I don't go shopping for them, and I definitely do not go shopping with for them with _you_.

JACKIE: Oh, relax. I already ordered it and we're just going to pick it up... _(looks back down at the tourist book) _as soon as I find out where the mall is. _(JACKIE's attention is caught by an elderly woman, SEANEEN, waddling by with a few grocery bags)_ Oh, excuse me!

SEANEEN: _(speaks with a gravelly smoker's voice) _Yes, love?

JACKIE: Hi. I'm looking for a mall, but I can't seem to find any in this brochure. Do you know where the nearest one is?

SEANEEN: Ah… about 100 miles away.

JACKIE: What?

SEANEEN: We don't have any in Belfast. Or Northern Ireland.

JACKIE: WHAT?! No mall?!

SEANEEN: _(laughing)_ There's no need for any here. The more buildings there are, the more places there are to bomb. Now, there's a few wee shops here, but you'll find better ones over in Andytown.

JACKIE: I just need to find Tony's Formal Wear.

SEANEEN: Jesus, that's over in Ardoyne!

JACKIE: Oh. Is that far?

SEANEEN: Never mind how far it is! Ardoyne's been a bloody battlefield lately. A wee girl like you wouldn't last long there, believe me.

JACKIE: Oh, please. They try and fire a gun at me, and my boyfriend here will have their skulls buried into the ground.

SEANEEN: _(looking HYDE up and down)_ I don't see what good a blind man is gonna do you.

JACKIE: What? He's not blind!

SEANEEN: Then why's he wearing sunglasses on a day like this?

JACKIE: It's his thing. Can't he have a thing?

SEANEEN: Sure. He can also have a beatin' if he steps foot in Ardoyne looking like _that_.

JACKIE: _(narrows her eyes)_ You're excused now. _(SEANEEN moves on and JACKIE turns back to HYDE)_ Can you believe that?

HYDE: Nope. For a few seconds there, you were nice. _(Shudders)_ Never do that again.

JACKIE: Well, what are we gonna do now? We don't know where the store is or how to get there.

HYDE: We'll get a bus.

JACKIE: Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No more buses! I have had it with buses. Buses are bad. I hate buses. I am never getting on a bus again.

HYDE: Alright. We'll walk.

JACKIE: In these shoes? Can't we just get a cab?

HYDE: There's none around.

JACKIE: Fine! We'll get the bus. But if I have to sit next to some sweaty drunk, you're gonna be puddin' your own pop tonight, Steven Hyde!

----------

_(JACKIE and HYDE __are on a double-decker bus with about half a dozen other passengers on the bottom floor. Two police officers are sitting in the front row and a third police officer is up above)_

JACKIE: Why do they have police officers on a bus? What can anyone do to a bus?

HYDE: Lots of things. They can cut the brakes, disable the emergency stop levers, loosen the screws on the seats... _(OFFICER #3 comes down to the bottom floor and talks to the other two officers in hearing distance of JACKIE and HYDE)_

OFFICER #3: There's a package up there. It's beepin'.

HYDE: Or plant a bomb…

JACKIE: Oh, my God. _(OFFICER #1 rises and walks over to the driver, who pulls the bus to a quick stop)_

OFFICER #1: Excuse me! We need you all to get off the bus right away and walk down to the end of the road.

MAN: Oh, for fuck's sake! This is the second bus today I've been on where there's been a bomb scare! Fuckin' RUC. More like, _PIC_! Prats In Caps!

MAN #2: Will you just shut the fuck up and stop whinjin'? _(Shoves MAN #1 forward until he gets off the bus)_

_(JACKIE and HYDE make their way off the bus and start walking with the crowd. HYDE strikes up a conversation with a guy, PADRAIG, who looks to be in his 30s)_

HYDE: So, does this happen a lot here?

PADRAIG: _(grins) _What? You mean gettin' fucked off a bus every half hour? Neh. It's just been a bad week. So, where you from? I don't know the accent.

HYDE: Wisconsin.

PADRAIG: Where?

HYDE: America.

PADRAIG: Oh, right. So, why the hell are you in Belfast of all places?

HYDE: It's a long stor- _(HYDE stops himself when he notices a familiar blur running about 50 yards away)_ Kelso?

JACKIE: Where? _(HYDE points straight ahead to their naked friend who is being chased down the street by a much bigger, and fully clothed, guy)_ Oh, my God. Michael?

HYDE: It's incredible. He has now been chased naked in public in two separate continents.

JACKIE: Should we help him?

HYDE: No, I think it's funnier to watch.

----------

**NORTH BELFAST**

**CRUMLIN ROAD**

JACKIE: God, what a nightmare. _Four_ bomb scares on _four_ buses in the space of _five_ miles! It's like having sex with Michael! Each ride is over before it's started!

HYDE: As much as I'd love to hear about your sex life with Kelso, we're here.

JACKIE: Ugh, _finally_!

_(They walk into Tony's Formal Wear and a __POLICEMAN walks up to them)_

POLICEMAN: Excuse me, Miss. I need to see inside your bag?

JACKIE: Excuse _me_, but this is a designer handbag and I am not letting it anywhere near your fat-ass potato hands.

HYDE: Jackie – guys with guns are not guys to piss off.

POLICEMAN: Listen to the blind man.

HYDE: Not blind.

POLICEMAN: You let me see your bag or you're gonna have to leave. _(HYDE sees JACKIE is about to launch another retort, so he intervenes)_

HYDE: _(to JACKIE)_ Look, why don't you just wait outside and I'll get the suit?

JACKIE: Fine. _(Looks at the policeman)_ Join a gym! _(Turns and runs out of the shop)_

HYDE: Sorry about that. She's just… nuts. _(HYDE walks up to the counter and asks for his suit, which TONY goes in the back to get. The POLICEMAN carries on talking to him.)_

POLICEMAN: Yeah, I've got one of 'em at home. The key is, you get her drunk and you keep her that way. _(HYDE laughs)_

HYDE: Yeah? I'll try that tonight.

POLICEMAN: Where you goin'?

HYDE: Ah, just the bar in our hotel.

POLICEMAN: Nah, you have to go out! There's noffin' funnier for a foreigner to do here than to go to a Belfast night club. Actually, there's one just round the corner called the Crumlin Star. You'll have a laugh there. It's cheap in as well.

HYDE: Cool. Thanks. _(TONY comes back out and hands Hyde his suit)_ Well, I better go get her before she lands herself in jail. I'll see you around.

POLICEMAN: Later, mate. _(HYDE leaves)_

TONY: Why in God's green Earth did you tell that kid to go to the Star tonight? Him and his girl are gonna shit themselves.

POLICEMAN: They'll be fine. That wee girl could scare people a lot more than the 'RA ever could.

----------

**THAT NIGHT**

**THE CRUMLIN STAR SOCIAL CLUB & BAR**

_(JACKIE and HYDE are in the upstairs bar. There are a few booths against the wall which lead down to the bar and a huge dance floor. JACKIE is sitting at a table just off the dance floor while HYDE is up at the bar getting drinks. A GUY comes up to Jackie)_

GUY: Feel like dancin'?

JACKIE: Celtic suck. Rangers rule. _(GUY gasps and walks away in disgust just as HYDE comes back with a pint of Harp for him and a white wine for her)_ Hey, that "Celtic sucks" thing you told me really works.

HYDE: Of course. It's like insulting the Yankees in a bar full of Yankees fans. Do it, and no-one will come near you all night.

JACKIE: Well, I wish I hadn't said it now. This place is perfect for us. It's dark and ugly, but they play lots of disco and we're the best looking people here!

HYDE: Yeah, it's alright.

JACKIE: Hey, we're on a date!

HYDE: So?

JACKIE: _So_, we never go on dates!

HYDE: That's not true. I've taken you to more back alleys in the last year than most girls see in a lifetime.

JACKIE: This is different. You asked me if I wanted to go out tonight, I said yes, you paid for the drinks and you even said I looked nice.

HYDE: You swore you'd never mention that.

JACKIE: Just admit it, Steven. You can be nice as well sometimes.

HYDE: No, I can't,

JACKIE: Yes, you can.

HYDE: No, I can't.

JACKIE: Yes, you can!

HYDE: No, I can't.

JACKIE: Yes, you can!!! _(The lights and power in the club shut off)_

HYDE: Huh. You've finally gotten so loud; you're blowing out power lines.

_(Some moving about is heard and there is silence as a spotlight falls onto the stage where a senior member of the IRA, dressed in all-black and wearing a balaclava, reads)_

IRA MEMBER: **Speaking on behalf of the Irish Republican Army, we wish to remember our comrades in the Crumlin jail. Our fight against the Crown wears on and we ask for your continued support in bringing about a United Ireland. Let the recent murders of ****Joseph McKee and Peadar McElvenna, and the murders of all Catholics in Northern Ireland, not be forgotten during this struggle. Enjoy your night.**

_(The spotlight shuts off, the power and lights come back on, the stage is empty, some seats which had suddenly vacated, the music starts up again and everyone resumes their conversations. JACKIE and HYDE look at each other, neither one quite sure what to say.)_

HYDE: Another drink?

JACKIE: Yes, please.

----------

**LATER THAT NIGHT**

_(JACKIE and HYDE are attempting to dance to The Fields Of Athenrye, but they're both so drunk that it's not going very well.)_

JACKIE: But why do you make everyone call you Hyde? It's not a name. It's a verb. I do hide.

HYDE: Yes, you do do Hyde. You do this Hyde better than any other girl.

JACKIE: _(beams up at him)_ Aww! You're so sweet, Steven! Why aren't you sweet all the time?

HYDE: Cuz, then I'd be Fez, or Forman. I'd be Fezorman.

JACKIE: Yeah… okay, don't be sweet then. Just carry on being the closed-off pain in the ass I fell in love with.

HYDE: With pleasure, babe. _(He drops his head onto hers and drunkenly sways as best he can. JACKIE, however, can't quite manage to get her arms around his neck because they keep falling away.)_ You smell nice. Why do you always smell so nice?

JACKIE: _(yawning)_ I'm rich, Steven… Steven... Steven. Hey, how come you let me call you Steven? Even before we were together?

HYDE: _(yawning as well)_ Because… once you start on something, you never let up. I figured… _(yawns again)_ it'd be easier to just let you call me whatever you wanted.

JACKIE: No… I think it's because you love me.

HYDE: Jackie, you thought I let you watch The Newlyweds Game last month because I love you.

JACKIE: So, do you or don't you?

HYDE: Do I or do I not what?

JACKIE: You know!

HYDE: Know what?

JACKIE: If you do I or do I not know.

HYDE: If I do you or do you not know what?

JACKIE: Love!

HYDE: Who?

JACKIE: Me!

HYDE: You?

JACKIE: Me!

HYDE: Me?

JACKIE: Me!

HYDE: You?

JACKIE: Yes!

HYDE: What?

JACKIE: Do you?

HYDE: Don't you?

JACKIE: Yes! Look, if you love me, then dip me.

HYDE: If I do?

JACKIE: Yes.

HYDE: You don't dip to this song.

JACKIE: Steven!

HYDE: Fine! But only because you won't remember this in the morning. _(HYDE looks around, looks back at JACKIE, takes hold of her left hand, places his right hand on her back and dips her quickly.)_

JACKIE: You dipped me! You lo-

HYDE: Not a word!

----------

**EUROPA HOTEL**

_(HYDE walks into the hotel with JACKIE asleep over his shoulder. He sees DONNA sitting at the bar and walks over to her)_

HYDE: Hey.

DONNA: Hey. It looks like you guys had a good night?

HYDE: Yeah, she's a lightweight, but she's a lot more fun drunk. Did you sit here all night?

DONNA: Eh. I sat in the pool for a while. Read a little, talked to the-

HYDE: He'll come back, Donna. Forman always comes through in the end.

DONNA: I hope you're right.

HYDE: Well, I'll see you in the morning. I better get her up to the room before she throws up all over the lobby.

DONNA: Goodnight. Oh, hey! Did you see the news earlier? Apparently, some guy went streaking past City Hall.

HYDE: Really? Wow.

DONNA: Yeah. They said the police arrested him and took him in for a few hours.

HYDE: Huh.

DONNA: Yeah. It was Kelso, wasn't it?

HYDE: Like you even have to ask.

----------

**A/N: **Alright then. Next chapter goes back to the start of the day and shows what exactly happened to Kelso and Fez. But, please review guys! You've all been so great.

Thanks.


	4. The Belfast Marathon

Irish is the new Black

Chapter 3 – The Belfast Marathon

**AN:** Sorry this took so long, but I wanted to wait until Christmas break to continue this since school wouldn't be breathing down my neck every 5 seconds. Thanks for the continued support. :) Anyway, here's Kelso and Fez's chapter. It takes place during Jackie and Hyde's adventures in the last chapter (so you'll find out how Kelso ended up streaking across town). Hope you enjoy!

----------

**THE CHALET D'OR RESTAURANT**

**HIGH STREET**

_(KELSO and FEZ are seated in a booth at the back of the restaurant, waiting on their food)_

FEZ: This place is horrible! Noisy, cramped, and we have to sit in booths! I miss the Hub!

KELSO: Aw, you feeling a little homesick, buddy? Well, don't worry. After a day here, you'll never want to go back to Point Place. They light fires in the middle of the street here and shoot each other! For fun!

FEZ: That's great for you. But what about me? There's nothing here I like! The candy tastes like crap, the dirty magazines are all on the top shelf where I can't reach, and I've been told my ass looks like a pothole in these pants!

KELSO: That's not what I said-

FEZ: It's what you meant!

_(Their waiter comes over with their food)_

WAITER: Here, lads, you might want to keep it down. The only thing people in this area hate more than fenians, are queers. _(FEZ stands up and slams his napkin down on the table)_

FEZ: Why, I have never been so insulted! Kelso! Defend my honour!

KELSO: Hey, I am _not _gay! I am an American! _(Everybody in the restaurant falls into silence and turn their heads to Kelso. The waiter leans down to whisper in KELSO's ear)_

WAITER: And the only thing they hate more than queers are Yanks.

KELSO: Huh. _(KELSO looks up at FEZ)_ After you.

FEZ: You are a gentleman. _(FEZ bolts out the back door and KELSO follows close behind, along with a dozen Loyalists looking to hang them from the nearest streetlight.)_

KELSO: You had to make a scene, didn't you?!

FEZ: Shut up, you fool and run!

KELSO: WHERE???

FEZ: North! _(They run up North Street with the mob still close behind them. Eventually they reach a split in the road and see that some of the mob is coming at them from the left.)_ Split up! I'll go right, you go straight ahead! _(The pair split and FEZ keeps running until he reaches the end of the street. Looking around, he sees a bar called The Kremlin)_ Please don't be full of men! _(FEZ walks into the bar and sees dozens of men swarming the place and not a female in sight. But these aren't the kind of men he was expecting…)_

----------

**SHANKILL PARADE**

_(KELSO had finally lost the mob and he was now hidden behind a bush in the most violent street in Northern Ireland. Peeking out from the bush, KELSO looked around to see if he dared make a break for it. About 30 yards away, he sees a payphone and dashes across to call the hotel. He gets through to his room and DONNA picks up)_

DONNA: What's going on, Kelso?

KELSO: Donna! You gotta come help me. These guys were chasing me and Fez, and I think they're gonna make me join the army!

DONNA: Oh, God. Can't we leave you two alone for a day without you being chased by a mob? Ugh. Fine, I'll come get you. Where are you?

KELSO: I don't know. I keep seeing Shankill all over the place.

DONNA: What?! You mean the Shankill Road?

KELSO: Yeah, I saw that around the corner.

DONNA: Kelso, get the hell out of there! An American walking in the Shankill is like you walking up to Hyde with a t-shirt that says, "I DID IT WITH JACKIE BURKHART!"

KELSO: How did you know I have that t-shirt? Have you been spying on me?

DONNA: Kelso…

KELSO: Because that doll is simply for sexual pleasure! I'm not one of those fruity guys that plays dress-up with them.

DONNA: What? Ew, no! Look, just get out of there, Kelso!

KELSO: Fine! Jeez. You know, you're a lot scarier without Eric around. _(KELSO hangs up the phone)_ I don't see what Donna's talking about. I mean, there's trees and flowers and pretty pictures of… a skull wearing a police hat. _(KELSO spots a woman, who looks to be in her 20s, looking at him from her front garden)_ Nothing wrong with this picture at all. _(KELSO walks across the street and stops at the woman's fence)_ Hello there.

KEAVA: Hi. You need some help?

KELSO: As a matter of fact, _(KELSO leans over the fence)_ I've been running all over the place and I'm really _(he musters the most smouldering look he can)_ hot.

KEAVA: Is that so? You want to come in for a glass of water?

KELSO: More than you know. _(KELSO follows KEAVA into the house and she leads him through to the kitchen)_

KEAVA: So, you're American, right? I always wanted to go to America, but, you know, shit happens and the highlight of the week ends up bein' the 2 hours a week you spend workin' for your ma in a thrift shop.

KELSO: Yeah, but you guys get to, like, shoot each other and blow stuff up all the time and you get away with it. Back home, you shoot one guy in the eye and all of a sudden it's like, "You're an idiot, Kelso!" Or, "Guns can kill, Kelso!"

KEAVA: It sounds a lot better than what goes on here. You know that there's about 14 known murderers within a mile of here and not one of them has ever been arrested? When I was a wee girl, my da was shot dead a couple of days before Christmas and the shooters admitted to it. But, nothin'. The peelers did fuck all. You kill someone here and you're gonna get away with it.

KELSO: Wow… that's incredible. This place is awesome!

KEAVA: You're not the full shillin', are you? _(KEAVA sees the saying is lost on him and laughs)_ Never mind, you're alright. Well, here, are you alright gettin' about? You know where you're goin', like?

KELSO: Not really. I was having breakfast with my buddy and then we got chased by a bunch of guys until I ended up here.

KEAVA: Heard your accent, didn't they? Aye, they're dickheads like that. A wee word of warnin' for you, love: stay out of the Shankill. If you're out and about durin' the day, try and stay in the North of the city. You'll be a lot safer there.

KELSO: Thanks. You're nice.

KEAVA: Don't be fooled. Being stuck at home all day with a baby just mellows you out.

KELSO: You're a mom?

KEAVA: Yep. Married with two wee boys at 19. I sure am living the Cinderella life.

KELSO: You're _19_?! And _married?_ Wow. I'm having a kid but the mom and I aren't even together.

KEAVA: _You're_ havin' a kid? Jesus. Well… hopefully the poor thing just gets your looks.

KELSO: _(smiles)_ You're sweet. Hey, do you have any clothes I could borrow? Mine are all covered in mud.

KEAVA: Oh, sure. _(KEAVA sifts through a pile of washed clothes)_ Did you get them dirty when you were getting' chased?

KELSO: No. I was just playing in the mud.

_(KEAVA pulls out a shirt and trousers for KELSO)_

KEAVA: Here, this is the best I can do for you. The bathroom is upstairs for you to get dressed. But, be quiet. The babies are sleepin'. _(Just as Kelso goes upstairs, KEAVA hears the front door open)_ Shite. That you, Shane?

SHANE: Yeah. Where are ya?

KEAVA: In here. Sean let you off early?

SHANE: Yeah, no-one's been in all day, so he just told us all to go home. _(SHANE comes into the kitchen)_ The kids been alright?

KEAVA: Yeah, they've been asleep all mornin'.

SHANE: Thank the fuckin' Christ. They've not slep- _(SHANE's eyes dart to the ceiling)_ What was that?

KEAVA: What?

SHANE: That thud.

KEAVA: It was probably the wind blowin' the bathroom window shut. Christ. I swear you're gettin' more paranoid by the day. Now, go 'round to Cassidy's and have a few pints. I'll meet you there in a bit. _(SHANE hovers for a moment, suspicious of how she's behaving)_ And I won't yell at you if you get drunk.

SHANE: _(grins)_ You're a prize, you know that? Alright, I'll see you lat-

KELSO: It's no wonder you're so unhappy, Keava. Your husband must be a whale to fit into these clo… _(KELSO freezes, dressed only in his boxers, as SHANE looks KELSO up and down. The veins in SHANE's neck look as if they're about to pop out of his body, while KELSO is clinging to the oversized shirt for dear life)_

SHANE: You're dead. _(SHANE lunges for KELSO, but only manages to grab his boxers while KELSO flies out of the house stark naked. SHANE flies out after him…)_

----------

**THE KREMLIN BAR AND NIGHTCLUB**

_(FEZ is walking around the place, scoping it out. He doesn't see the violent crowd he had just finished running from. The men here were well-groomed, were drinking cocktails and spritzers, dancing to disco music and wearing clothes as tight as anything in FEZ's own wardrobe. Except for the absence of women…)_

FEZ: This is my kind of bar.

_(FEZ walks over to the bar and asks the bartender to bring him something special that one can only experience in Ireland. The bartender brings him a Paddy's Water, a.k.a, vodka)_

BARTENDER: From the man at the end of the bar.

FEZ: Well, that was nice of him. Send him one from me as well! _(He takes a few sips of his drink)_ Mmm, delicious! _(The man who sent FEZ the drink, MATTHEW, sits down next to him)_ Hello.

MATTHEW: Hi. Thanks for the drink.

FEZ: Oh, it was _you_ who sent me a Paddy's Water? Well, thank you. You're a very giving person.

MATTHEW: Oh, you've no idea how well I give. I could show you if you want.

FEZ: Uh… let me just get through with this drink before you buy me another one.

MATTHEW: If that's what you want. So… are you here alone or did you come with someone?

FEZ: Well, I came with my friends but we're all doing our own thing today. Kelso and I were supposed to spend the day together, but we split up and now I don't really know what to do with myself.

MATTHEW: Oh, I'm sorry. But, you know, if you and this Michael were really meant to be, you wouldn't have split up in the first place. I think it's time you moved on, you know? Found someone else.

FEZ: But it's only been 10 minutes.

MATTHEW: Hey, the heart heals faster than we'd like it to, but, you know, you just have to go with it.

FEZ: Maybe you're right. I shouldn't spend today by myself.

MATTHEW: Exactly! Now, you could have your pick of any man in here. But there's only one you bought a drink. _(MATTHEW slides his hand onto FEZ's knee and realisation slowly begins to hit FEZ)_

FEZ: You don't want me to have another drink, do you? 

MATTHEW: Hey, if you like to drink, then feel fre-

FEZ: I MUST GO! _(Everybody in the place stops what they're doing and stares at FEZ)_ I... must go… to the bathroom! Excuse me. _(FEZ runs out of the bar and out of sight, then comes back and runs up to MATTHEW)_ Thank you for the drink. _(He runs out again, this time out the back door and out onto the street where he soon ends up running next to a naked KELSO) _Hi, Kelso.

KELSO: Hey, Fez. What are you up to?

FEZ: Oh, not much. Just running away from a scary man.

KELSO: Yeah, me too.

FEZ: Well, that's nice.

KELSO: It is.

FEZ: You're naked, you know.

KELSO: I know.

FEZ: Well, that's good. Is that Jackie and Hyde?

KELSO: You know, I think it is. Should we say hello?

FEZ: Better not until we've lost the scary man.

KELSO: Good thinking.

----------

**CASSIDY'S BAR**

**ANTRIM ROAD**

_(KELSO and FEZ approach the bar with a great deal of caution, unwilling to experience the day's events all over again)_

KELSO: Now, before we sit down! _(Everyone in the bar turned to look at the pair)_ We'd like to make a few things known. I am an American, I am charming, and I am likely to be naked before I leave this bar. My foreign friend here is NOT gay, will only accept drinks from women, and is not interested in how well any of you give. Is that understood? _(The punters look at them for a few moments, then they resume their activities like they were never interrupted)_ Looks like we finally found a safe place to hang out in. We don't have to worry about having to leave or run out. No, I think we're gonna have a happy, quiet night here.

FEZ: I think you're right.

_(The front doors burst open and a couple of men wearing balaclavas walk in and open fire on the bar. KELSO and FEZ hit the ground on instinct while the sounds of glass smashing and guns reloading filled the room.)_

KELSO: You had to jinx us, didn't you!

_(Less than a minute after they came in, the masked men departed and punters began fixing their tables and stools back in place. Some were a bit startled, but most of the people in the bar just went about business as usual, cursing various groups for attacking the place "for the 3__rd__ time this week!" The two foreign boys, however, were crouched on the floor, afraid a nuclear bomb would go off if they made any more attempts to enjoy themselves.)_

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**EUROPA HOTEL LOBBY**

DONNA: So you guys just left?!

FEZ: It's like we're cursed, Donna! Everywhere we went today, we ended up getting caught up in something unpleasant. Mobs, pissed off husbands, gay bars, shootings. I miss Point Place!

KELSO: You're not the only one! I thought explosions and gunfire were cool. But I just realised something: guns can hurt people!

DONNA: You've always been so ahead of the curve, Kelso.

KELSO: What can I say? God was good to me.

FEZ: _(to Donna)_ Is Hyde back yet?

DONNA: Yeah, he just came in before you guys. He had Jackie slung over his shoulder. God, she was wasted.

FEZ: You mean there's a hot, drunk girl upstairs?! Kelso!

KELSO: I'm already on it, buddy. You distract Hyde while I sneak Jackie back to our room. _(The pair race off up to Jackie and Hyde's room)_

DONNA: Well… it's better than a doll.

_To be continued…_

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**A/N: **Until next time then. ;) I love you all, but I'll love you even more if you leave me a review. :)

Btw, if there's anything about the Belfast slang or the social situation that you aren't too clear about, feel free to PM me and ask me about it.

Take care! And Merry Christmas!


	5. Slán go foil

Irish is the new Black

Chapter 4 – Slán go foil!

**AN:** You know, I've been a part of this fanfic community for a long time and it's always been a well-known rule that you don't dare tell someone how to write their story or what they should even write about in the first place.

Apparently that rule has been forgotten by some.

If you have a problem with me showing the Troubles to be as ridiculous as they actually were, then you can ahead and suck my dick because I am not going to sit here and cry about all the terrible things that have happened to the people of Northern Ireland. It was a crap time, but you know what? It's over.

"Do you not think it's a bit trivialising to the troubles to set a sitcom there?"

HELL no. If you're from Ireland, odds are you've heard of a little show called Give My Head Peace. The guys on that show have made fun of The Troubles since I was bloody 4 years old! Jesus. Lighten up! When terrorists break into your house and shoot at the police from your bedroom window while you're sitting downstairs, it will bloody teach you to laugh at scary stuff. It was either laugh or wet yourself, and I didn't have nearly enough boxers to pursue the latter.

"They only ended 10 years ago after all."

Okay, you gotta stop using wikipedia as your source. 10 years? Try, 10 months.

Thanks to you guys who welcome satire with open arms. I know Christmas was a difficult time for people getting to read fanfic, so hopefully more of you get a chance to read this chapter. This is actually the last one. I know, surprise. It was a big shock for me as well when I sat down to write it. But honestly, I feel like I've explored enough of the Troubles for one story and I don't want to spend a chapter going over what you've already seen in terms of bombs, prejudices and bitterness. So, instead, Hyde is going to meet his daddy. :) Apologies for how short it is, but there's no point wasting your time in reading filler lines. This does what it needs to.

**Disclaimer:** Own nothing to do with That '70s Show. But I'll claim Season 8 Jackie if no-one wants her.

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**EUROPA HOTEL LOBBY**

(RED, KITTY and DONNA are sitting at the bar. KITTY is browsing through a tourist guide while RED munches away at a bowl of peanuts)

DONNA: So, Mr. and Mrs. Forman, what are you going to do today?

RED: This. (He downs another handful) There's not a chance in hell I am stepping foot outside this hotel while those morons are out there setting off every mine and bomb in sight.

KITTY: Oh, Re-

RED: Epp! Do not even think about it, Kitty! You can try all you want, but I am not going sightseeing with you. I don't care if you play the, "I miss Eric!" card or pull the, "I have menopause, you bald bastard!" line. I'm not going and that's final!

(RED keeps his eyes fixed on her, waiting for the jungle pounce from his wife.)

KITTY: Fine. If you want to stay here, Red Forman, then I'm not going to force you to do otherwise. (RED appears beyond bewilderment)

RED: Well, good. I'm glad you realise that.

KITTY: Oh, I do! And since I'll be out on these dangerous streets all on my own, I'll be sure to take so many photos and buy so many souvenirs and clothes and meet so many people, that we can spend all night and the whole flight home talking about everything I saw, bought, thought about, ate, picked up, put down, smiled at-

RED: I'll get my jacket. (KITTY gloats) God, I hate Ireland.

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**12 HOURS LATER**

(RED comes into the hotel wearing a tricolour hat, a shamrock t-shirt and trousers with "GUINNES" branded on them. He's holding dozens of little souvenir bags and forgets to hold the door open for a dishevelled and traumatised-looking KITTY.)

RED: I **love** Ireland! (KITTY gives him a death glare)

KITTY: Well, _I_ don't! This has been the most horrifying day of my life and I have had enough of these… drunk, immoral… sleazoids! Why on _earth_ did you insist we go out today, Red Forman?!

RED: Me?? I- (sighs) Kitty, _you're_ the one who wanted to see the Irish Isles. I just wanted to stay in and eat my nuts!

KITTY: Well, you can eat them all you want because I won't be eating them for you!

(Wretching is heard behind the reception desk)

DONNA: Mr. and Mrs. Forman! (RED and KITTY spot her by the bar and make their way over) Hi. How was your day?

RED: Wonderful.

KITTY: Terrible.

RED: Oh, would you let it go! It was nothing! So he mistook you for a… (RED breaks off in a snicker and earns himself a smack on the shoulder from KITTY)

DONNA: A what? What happened? What? Guys, come on! You're killing me! What were you mistaken for, Mrs. Forman?

KITTY: Nothing! Just a… little... (mumbles)

RED: (smirking) Come again?

KITTY: (whispering) A ho…er.

DONNA: One more time.

KITTY: A HOOKER, all right! He thought I was a hooker! A cheap, easy, street-corner, hot pants wearing hooker! (DONNA's jaw drops and she looks to RED for an explanation, but he's too busy shaking with laughter and wiping tears from his eyes) Cut it out!

RED: God, I think I'm going to have another heart attack!

JACKIE: What's going on?

KITTY: Nothing you need to know about, Jackie.

JACKIE: But now I have to know! Keeping gossip from me is like hiding a ham from Donna. Sooner or later, I'm gonna pound you to the ground until I get it. Donna, tell me!

DONNA: I can't. I smell a ham being cooked and a girl in need of pounding. (DONNA walks off)

JACKIE: Hmph. I bet Eric's glad he got away before she started PMS'ing.

KITTY: How are you not stabbed in your sleep more? (JACKIE shrugs) Anyway, where's Steven?

JACKIE: He's upstairs trying to push Michael and Fez down the laundry shoot.

KITTY: Oh dear.

JACKIE: No, it's okay. They asked him to do it.

KITTY: Well… when he's done, tell him we need to speak to him. It's about his father.

JACKIE: Oh, my God! Did you find him?

KITTY: Uh… (she looks back to RED) we would really like to talk to Steven first, Jackie.

JACKIE: (sighs) That's fine. Just give me an idea of how much we can milk this guy for? No, wait. I'll find out for myself this Christmas. If I get Prada, Steven gets Dada.

KITTY: (frowning) I'm… I'm just so happy Steven found you.

JACKIE: Mmm, you should be. Before me, he dated the biggest sluts you've ever met! (She sees KITTY's appalled face) And, "slut"… is Irish for _choir girl_.

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**BARNARDO'S ORPHANAGE**

**UPPER NEWTONARDS ROAD**

"542-544 Upper Newtonards Road," Hyde recited. He looked up from the scribbled address Kitty had handed him an hour ago and took in the sight of his father's residence.

The Victorian structure and the marble pillars made this house stand out from the rest of what he'd seen during his short time in Belfast. It was actually pretty impressive, not to mention ironic, that his dad was heading up an orphanage which, along with its other branches, had saved over ten million children from homelessness and social alienation in the past 150 years.

Hyde tucked the address into his back pocket and walked up the steps to the front door. He rang the bell.

"_Yeah, just a minute!" _He heard the latch click and a few seconds later, he saw his dad standing in front of him. "Hi. What can I do for you?" Hyde closed his eyes. His plan had been to blink, but he was having a bit of difficulty getting his body to listen to his brain. "You alright, son?"

That did it.

"What? Son? I'm not. I mean, I am. Hyde, I am." Hyde cringed at how he was conducting himself. He tried again. He took a deep breath and looked up at his dad. "I'm Hyde."

"Okay. I'm Ciaran. Now, do you need to come in? We don't have any free rooms, but, you know, we can always squeeze one more-"

"No!" Hyde shouted. He cringed again. Shouting at his father probably wasn't the best way to connect with him. "Man, I'm sorry. Let me try this again. I'm Hyde." He held out his hand, which Ciaran met in a shake. "I'm here to see you." 

"Oh, are you the guy from the paper? I thought you were coming later…"

Hyde shook his head. "No, I'm not from anywhere important," he rushed out. He a little short of breath, very clammy and extremely uneasy. He felt like somebody was going to jump out at him at any moment. His eyes fell to Ciaran's shoes, to the ground, to the garden, to the toys on the grass, to the handprints on the wall and to the sounds of crying and laughing inside the house. Hyde looked back at Ciaran. "You know what, I actually have to go. This isn't a good time, so I'll maybe… come back another time. If that's alright." Ciaran nodded.

"Sure, okay. Look, are you sure you're alright? You can come in for a drink or for a glass of water if you don't feel good."

"No, it's cool, man." Hyde backed down the steps. "I actually have some people waiting on me I gotta go see."

"Alright. Take care of yourself."

"You too."

Ciaran turned to go back inside the house, but Hyde called out to him before he could stop himself. "Yeah?" Ciaran called back. Hyde took a few steps forward on the path.

"I just wanted to tell you…" Hyde started, "that I'm, uh…"

"Yeah?"

Hyde let out a sigh. "This is a waste of time," he muttered to himself, shutting his eyes for the second time in as many minutes.

"Hyde?" He looked at Ciaran again. Hyde opened his eyes.

"I just think it's great what you're doing here."

Ciaran smirked. "Mate, believe me, I don't think I'm doing these kids a lot of good. I know they all have different circumstances, but at the end of the day, all they want is their ma and their da, and all I can give them is a wee cot to sleep on and a bunch of strangers they barely get along with for company. It's hardly a dream come true."

Hyde shrugged. "It worked out pretty well for me."

---------

**THE PLANE**

(KELSO and FEZ thumb wrestle in the front row, KITTY sleeps off a hangover behind them, DONNA and JACKIE sit in the second-last row, and RED and HYDE sit talking behind them)

RED: So, you just left it like that?

HYDE: Yeah. The others can believe that Disney ending if they want, but I thought you should know.

RED: (nodding) You know you can always go back and see him, Steven.

HYDE: Yeah. Maybe I'll take Forman next time. You know, if Donna doesn't kill him first.

RED: Oh, jeez. From one drama to another.

HYDE: (grinning) Yep. And I'm gonna take a backseat on this one.

RED: Good idea. It'll gives us plenty of time to talk about those choir girls you're so fond of.

HYDE: (blanking) Choir girls??

JACKIE: I am _so_ getting stabbed tonight.

**THE END.**

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**AN:** Again, apologies for how short it was. Regardless of the length, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and the story in general. I've had a lot of fun writing it and I plan to be back with more T7S fanfic very soon.

Take care.

Please review!!! I'll beg like a choir girl!


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